WHY

Soo… it's been awhile, and well right now things are tough. Simple things that most of the population seem to have no issues with tend to bog me down and imobilize me. Nothing gets done, nothing progresses, and it sucks! It's not like I don't want to do things I just don't want to do anything. For example I have a few projects that would be great if they were done, meaning that I would personally enjoy them being done, but every time I look at them I just feel overwhelmed and give up. I don't even try! And it feels pathetic, I feel like I'm pathetic and not worth anything. And I know that's the shame talking but it still takes it toll. It's buggy that what should modivate just overwhelms me and pushes me further down. Perfection is a hinderence and struggling doing a first draft, a failed run, just seems wrong. I know… well I understand that failure is one of the ways we learn but school taught me that failling is bad and I'm bad for doing it. WHY? Why does living have to be so hard? What's the point? Simple daily tasks like getting out of bed, finding food, or showering shouldn't be this difficult! And it is, it is…

Sep165

This was a hard week. I'm not sure when it started to go down hill but I know by Wednesday evening I was out of it mentally and physically. I know I wasn't sleeping well and I guess the added stress of the divorce paperwork put me over the edge. I had lost all vitality and mentally I became easily distract.. Squirrel! Hm? Oh right, Anyway if you're wondering what it's like to deal with depression there is a TED talk which describes it well.

So, what got me out of the funk you ask? Well Wednesday night I prayed, something I had gotten out of the habit of doing. I basically said that I'm really struggling and asked for a lifeline –someone to talk to because I didn't know who to contact (I blame this on the mental mush, I've had a number of friends tell me I can call and chat any time)– and I guess I also wanted someway to know that God was really listening.

Sep131

The past year has been... well, let's say the events in my life have changed things drastically. And today I stand looking at a closed door, struggling to find hope and encouragement; contemplating what I'm doing and why I should bother pushing forward. Alexander Graham Bell once said, “When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” and he's right. I've had doors close before and it was challenging. Sometimes I've even seen the new ones open, but this, this is different. Maybe it's not, maybe I just want it to be; but, for arguments sake, right now, as I'm writing this, it's different.

I'm sure by now you're thinking, "Enough with the thoughts and emotions, what happened?" Well, the reason I'm telling this is to get those emotions and thoughts out of my head; call it therapy. If you don't like it you don't have to read it. But, just to warn you from this point forward the blog will be about me blabbing about my life.